I wish my penis had an off switch
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
