The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
