Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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