we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Is it acceptable to bring pot to a funeral or am I going to have to do this shit sober?
Randomize
