You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
