i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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