The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
