Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Apparently I offered the cop my Taco Bell.
Desperate times...
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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