I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
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