She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Randomize
