I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
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