ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
