Hahaha, sighhhh...I texted him to no response. It's a shame, really...I would gladly exchange my body for pizza rills.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
We were taking body shots by lunch. I love college.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
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