no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
My feet surprised me
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
