I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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