Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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