Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
Randomize
