I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
