Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
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