i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
