i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
