A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize