I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
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