My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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