True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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