Have you finally orgasmed yet?
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
you inspire me to be a worse person
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
Randomize
