if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Just realized I could have five different dicks in me the day of valentines day but no real date. My life
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
I need to calm my uterus...
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Like if I exploded right now there would be cum and fajitas everywhere.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
