Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Randomize
