I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
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