i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
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