i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
We have your weave and dirt in our room.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
