I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
Randomize
