I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
