woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
