he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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