Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
