She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
thank you for extending my knowledge of the effects of vodka. speak of what happened last night and i will kill you and send your fingers to your loved ones.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
