dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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