She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
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