if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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