Who did Billy Mays play for?
You made eat vitamins until I threw up
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
