THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I head back to the dorms in less than a week I'm not ready to see my roomate naked that much again.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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