I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I wish i was in the wii world.
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
