Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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