We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
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