I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
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