I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
Depends how u look at it. Half-full, half-empty, or how should I shave my pubes
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
