I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Randomize
