Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Going home with an argentinian named sulvio. Ill let you know how it goes.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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