I wish they made helmets for livers.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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