i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
