I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Randomize
