im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
