I would give my right arm to go back to college. Or maybe not. Would be kinda hard to pick up guys with one arm. Then again, knowin what I do now...I could take any freshman bithc with only one arm.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Randomize
