I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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