Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
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I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
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I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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