she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
This guy at the airport was telling me 3/4 dudes in his group got rufied at some strip club. One guy woke up in the hospital, another found himself in a random parking garage, the other got back to the room and they all shit their pants. Go Vegas.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
Is this like a preordered booty call?
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
