I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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