everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
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