The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
