I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life
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I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix
You need to not admit that.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
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