I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Randomize
