I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
