i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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